How Awesome!

I got nominated for the Liebster Blog Award again!  I know its like a chain letter, but it still makes me feel special.

Thank you Tanvee for the nomination.

Shaking thing up! September 29, 2013 173

I have been overeating a bit the last couple of days. By over eating, I mean eating from 1500 to 2000 cals a day not my usual 1200. No weight loss this week. My ghost period is lurking and I am craving fooooood!

I was never satisfied, always hungry, thinking about foooood. I looked at my calender and there was my explanation. My period. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I dont. Either way when it comes near I gain a few pounds (strict diet or not), and I become a hungry stomach.

In the past, this is where I usually derailed. I am always (for the foreseeable future), going to go through this every month. So I need a plan to deal with Aunt Flo.

This is what I came up with:

Increase my calories during the first couple of days
Increase my exercise to help nullify the extra calories
Except that my scale will show a weight increase (water)
Take this time to maintain/de-stress from diet
Let this go on for only 1-2 days!!
Try some new recipes

So far so good.

I made a couple of things from Chocolate Covered Katie . Wow!!! is all I can say. Delish. She makes veggie breakfast/desserts that are no/low sugar,  but a little higher in cals than I can eat regularly.

Then by chance I made some Oatmeal pancakes from The Biggest Loser, and they are gonna become my breakfast of choice. I will just make a large batch and cook as needed. Nom nom nom

I have lost 85 pounds!...so far September 25, 2013 171.2

I have lost 85 lbs so far! Yippee!







No one, (other than my family) says anything about noticing my weight loss. That was until yesterday. I had a couple of my regular customers come up to me and say something like 'Holy crap have you lost alot of weight!' to 'Holy crap you look good!'

Me on my birthday 170

Me at my highest weight 255?

Thank you thank you thank you!

Moving forward September 23, 2013 171.2

Random pic off internet   :)

I cant promise I wont whine a bit in the future, but I have to look forward. I find the more I focus on a problem (money) the worse/bigger it gets.

I have a family who loves me, I live in an awesome city and fall is here. I have been walking more and more, unfortunately it is at night. I think my goal this month (October) will be to go for walks during the day so I can see the trees turning color.

My other goal for October, will obviously be to lose another 10 lbs. Whatever I lose is better than nothing, but I am going to try for 10 lbs before Halloween. It will  be kind of a cheat, since I reached my 170 a little early. So I actually have 5 weeks to lose 10 lbs.

I should be able to do it, since I am going to be adding more walks to my days. I have not been working much these last couple of weeks, so my exercise has been practically nil. I am going to be working nearly 14 days straight so that will also help. Hehehehe.

Crappy news September 22, 2013 171.0

Get ready for some whining, moaning and groaning....

I am just a casual employee where I work, and I have been holding out for the dangling carrot (permanent part time) for over a year now. I was told lots of opportunities were coming up. Yah...now it does not look like much will happen before January. I also found out the competition is pretty fierce.

Needless to say, it looks like I am going to be looking elsewhere.

I worked two (2!) days this week!! Thank Goodness I worked 6 days last week. My paycheck, (if I am lucky) will be around five hundred dollars for two weeks. Which I have to pay my mortgage ($200), internet/phone ($200), heating oil ($100), electricity($45), cc bills ($120), gas/car ($50), R. lunch money ($25)... hmmm oh and groceries. What you dont have enough money? What? I will have this exact problem next week!

Gawd! I am going back to bed with my whiny self.

Another Aha moment September 21, 2013 170.2

My son asked me a question last night. This is how it went...

...R: If you could change anything in the past what would it be?
Me: I would not change anything.
R: No, seriously. If you could change one thing...
Me: Nope, nothing
R: Tell me!
Me: If I changed that one thing, I would not have you. (aha moment) So no, there is nothing I would change.
R: Ok, if you could change that one thing and not lose me?
Me: Hmmm...I wish my mom had noticed I was suffering from depression and anxiety when the signs presented themselves (as early as 5!). Everything would have been different.
R: Wow..
Me: But I dont regret it anymore. I would not have had you, so it was all worth it.

Life is good! September 20, 2013 171.7

One of the best ideas I ever had was to start a blog and try to write in it every day. It lets me think, document my feelings, and document my weight loss journey. I am not changing the world, but I am changing me.

Every now and then I read some of my old post to see how far I have come, or to see if there is something that I need to work on.

I got up this morning and decided to look at what I was doing at this time last year. It was not pretty! I was at the end of my rope emotionally and I was seriously depressed about where my life was going and how bad I felt physically.

Fast forward to today...Life is good! It is not perfect, I still struggle with depression, money issues, teenage boy, over sized dog...but I can see my way. I am ok with where my life is leading me. I am learning to forgive myself for all my bad choices/decisions I have made and move on.

I have lost close to 85 lbs, and I have at least 25 to 50 lbs left to go before I  reach the end of my weight loss journey. I know the losing will be the easy part. I know the hard part is coming...maintaining.

Drugs, I need 'em! September 19, 2013 172.8

My money crunch is started to wear at me. I dont mind not having any money, or being poor as a church mouse. But even I can feel the pinch of it.

I take pills for my depression and social anxiety and I started to take half my dose every night. Now I take half a dose every second day. I can feel the difference. I am coasting, hanging on the edge...

Happy Pills

My doctor is aware of what I am doing, unfortunately there is not much she can do. I indirectly told my mom the other day, and she offered to buy me a couple months supply for my birthday. I am not going to take her up on it, because she already does so much for me.

On the other hand, I am starting to see that my anxiety was/is strongly tied to my weight. As I lose more weight,  I am leaving the house more and more. I say that, but yesterday I could not make myself go for a walk during the daylight hours. Sometimes I feel like such a crazy person.

Milo from a couple of months ago

I got all dressed, sneakers, coat and I was on my front porch and saw all the people walking their dogs. It was a huge crowd....at least 2 people! Milo and I usually walk at night for a couple of reasons. One...He is hard to handle if he decides he wants to see another dog (200 lbs). Hardly anyone walks at night in my neighborhood.  Two... I dont want people to see me. So when I saw those dogs, I knew there was no way I was going to take Milo, and with out Milo there was no way I was going for a walk.

I went back inside, and waited for dark. Then I went for a walk. Sad.

Happy Birthday to Me!! September 18, 2013 172

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to ME!

Peace Lily

I turned 4? yesterday! My mom wanted to buy me some clothes, but I want to wait til Christmas. So she bought me a Peace Lily plant instead. It is huge! I absolutely adore it!

I ended up spending nearly the whole day with her. Shopping for my plant, and visiting memere (my grandmother), then hanging at her house. It was while we were there she wanted me to try on some old clothes that I had left there when I was younger. I didnt want to, because I was sure everything would be too small. UGH! Anyhoo...I tried them on...and they fit, or were too BIG!

R. and I went over for super and it was nice and relaxing evening.  My mom is so proud of what I have done so far that she supports my diet in any and every way that she can. She got me a veggie pizza (2 small slices) and a chocolate cupcake for my birthday cake. She also bought no sugar ice cream. How awesome is she! I ended up being sick as a dog later though. My body is so not used to any fatty food that it did not react well. I figure that is a good thing. Its like a built in seat belt or something. It not half as fun to eat something fattily delish if you are going to be sick after!

So I weighed myself this morning, and I came in at 172. Yippee! I should be able to make my goal of 170 before the end of the month. Not sure though since I should be having a period soon. That always makes things a little interesting.

Oh! Nearly forgot...R. bought me a pair of Chuck Taylors for my birthday. I think my son having a job ROCKS!

Damn...I look good today! September 16, 2013 172.2

I have steadily throwing all my old clothes away as I grow out of them. This morning I had nothing to wear...like seriously! A friend had giving me a pair of jean her daughter didnt want anymore and I pulled them out. You guessed it. They fit! They have been hiding in my closet for a bit because they were too damn small.

I am going to take a picture later so I can fawn over myself all day. I may even post it.

 Here I am!

This is so frustrating! September 15, 2013 174.0

At the beginning of the week I weighed in at 172. Now I weigh 174. I know I did not gain it back, because I have been following my diet. I figure it is water weight that I originally lost, or water weight that I gained back. Oh and lets not forget that I have not gone to the 'bathroom' in a bit.

Before I started my diet my IBS leaned towards diarrhea. Now I dont go. Never a happy medium.

I bought some new underwear. I got some boy shorts...uh...I am not too happy with the fit. I also bought some of the same kind that I already had. I bought them in large, and they are still too big! Hehehehe! I dont have enough money to get more this week, but next week...MEDIUM!


P.s.  Just to keep things in perspective...I looked where I was last month at this date and I weighed 179 and the next day I gained 3 lbs! I still weigh 5 lbs less than last month!

Family September 13, 2013 173.0

A few days ago I was sent a friend request from my Aunt S. I have been searching for my Dad and his side of the family for a good many years.

I don't have a common last name (or so I thought). There were a huge amount of people with my last name on fb. Every now and then I would search through the names and friends list to see if I could find anyone.

Then it happened. A friend request. I searched through her friends list, and there was Dad, my younger brother and Aunt M!

I accepted immediately, and sent a message thanking her.

My mom and dad split when I was a baby, and from what I understand he was not the greatest dad. We kept in touch, but when I was 16 I wrote a letter that really let loose some anger. I don't regret it, but it was meant to start a conversation. I wanted a give and take I guess. I got nothing. He never wrote back, and no one from that side made any effort to contact me.

That is until a few years later when the same Aunt S. contacted me to say my Aunt M (another Aunt M), had died and I was to blame. Holy crap! I wont go into all of that. Needless to say I cut my ties to them.

Fast forward to now. I have grown up, I am no longer the sad and scared lonely 10 year old, the angry 16 year old, the depressed 18 year old. I have a son. I am a great mom. I believe in God and the grace of forgiveness.

I don't care if they have forgiven me, or are still angry about something that happened so long ago. I want my son to see my other side. The side that has a dad. Yes he will never be the dad I should have had, but I want dad to see me. The real me.

Sad sad day in history September 11, 2013

I have a day off! September 10, 2013 173.6

I weighed in at 173.6 today. Yippee! I am chugging along nicely. I know I will probably hit a snag/plateau soon. I am not one to lose weight easy. I hit plateaus often. But like Diane from Fit to the Finish wrote me once... "plateaus are like practicing maintenance."  I think that is one of the biggest reasons why I have made it this far.

Any other time I have hit a plateau, I have lost my courage to continue. Now I look at it like a chance to maintain. I am not going to gain my weight back. I think that maintaining is going to be harder than losing.

When you are dieting you are on a time frame. There is an end goal. You wont be on a diet forever. You stay motivated to continue when you get to fit into smaller clothes. When you reach your goal, the other half of your journey continues and this is where I have always failed.

Maintaining is forever, with no end in site.

We practice for everything else in life, why not maintenance?

Busy busy busy September 9, 2013 174.0

I weighed in at 174.0 today. At this rate I should be able to make my goal of 170 by the end of the month. I have been super strict on my diet plan, and it is paying off! The only problem is was how starved I was yesterday. I eat anywhere between 1200 to 1500 cals a day. Well within my dietary needs. I eat more when I work really hard at work, and less when I am lazy.

I ended up being pretty proud of myself yesterday too. I was starved, but I still made good food choices and did not cave into my food urges.

My mom invited us over for supper and she made roast beef (unbelievably delish) and corn on the cob. I did a quick cal count, and realized there was no way I could fit in her roast beef and corn. So I made up a tuna fish salad with lots of veggies and brought that over. I ate that instead of her meat and had some corn.

I bet you wonder why I didnt just eat her roast beef? Well I cant stop at 3 oz. Nope nope nope. Especially when I had been starving all day, and I did not want to test my willpower. Good Madijo!

I always associate my mom's house with food. I always, always eat there. I mean I Usually over eat! I stopped going for awhile because I could not stop myself from snacking. Now I go, but I raid her fruit instead of all her junk food.

Yes yes, I should stop associating her with food, but I decided to compromise. Slowly but surely, I eat less and less there. I no longer have this overwhelming urge to over eat or stab myself in the eye and leave.

My mom and I have a love/uncomfortable/hate/stressful/love relationship. As we both get older, the love is coming out more. The way I dealt with all those negative emotions was to eat. Which I did, as often as I could.

Starving! September 8, 2013 174.8

I am soo hungry my stomach is growling. I calculate all my food in MyfitnessPal religiously. I often do not calculate small things like the milk in my tea, or a bite of fruit. I eat about 1200 cals a day, and usually more. But lately I am hungry! I have a headache and my insides feel empty.

I should add, I have been a lazy slug all day. Reading/napping/surfing.

I reviewed my meals to see if I am too low on carbs/protein/veggies/fruit and everything is perfect.

Hmmmm.

Its 8:40 pm...and I am still starving!

I am losing my underwear! September 7, 2013 174.8

Its true. I am losing my underwear. They have a lacy top, made out of micro fiber than can stretch to fit almost anything! Well...they are too big now. Hehehehe!

During this whole time I have not moved in underwear size. They did not come in bigger than xl, which was fine, since they stretched to fit. Hehehehe! Xl was still ok as I got smaller, because I bought new ones that were not stretched out. Now even the new ones are not fitting. Hehehehe!

I am more excited about my underwear size change then nearly anything else.

Pretty underwear here I come. Ok maybe not yet, but its coming! Hehehehe!

Looking at life on the other side of 175 lbs September 6, 2013 175.2

Wow do I feel different! I went for a walk last night, for the first time in way too long. I walked pretty fast and I didn't feel tired. I didn't feel like a was dragging myself up the hills. What a shock. Not carrying around all that extra weight makes such a huge difference.

At work, I try to walk with my chest out, stomach in (pretty hard to do) and with a more confident attitude. Fake it til you believe it.

I look at my naked body and I see two things (not what you think!) I see how much more I have to lose and I feel hope. I can see and feel how far I have gone, and that I can do the same for the rest of my weight.

I feel almost pretty again.

Pictures! September 5, 2013 175.8

I got my son to take some pictures of me yesterday, and...I am actually going to post them!

Can I do it?

So I am 175 lbs as of today. I have 115 days left til the end of 2013. Can I realistically reach my New Years Resolution Goal weight?

 I started off at 222 lbs and I wanted to lose 100 lbs.

222 lbs-100 lbs=122 lbs

I am now 175 lbs.

175 lbs-122 lbs = 53 lbs.

That means I have to lose 53 lbs in 115 days.

53lbs/115 days=.46 lbs

Which means I have to lose .46 lbs a day!

Or

115 days/7 days in a week=16 weeks
53lbs/16weeks=3.31lbs

I would need to lose 3.31 lbs a week to make my goal.

I think 140 lbs is more realistic. I have been 140 lbs and I felt and looked good.

175lbs-140lbs=35lbs
115 days/35lbs=.3lbs per day
35lbs/16 weeks=2.18lbs per week

That is doable.

Now, I totally realize that life happens and my body probably will not cooperate and stick to my math genius! If I dont fall off the wagon and wonder aimlessly, and my body does not hit any plateaus, and I stay super strict and maintain total dedication for over 115 days...

Ya, not going to happen. So how about I continue doing the best that I can! Stay strong and motivated and be at peace with myself. Celebrate all the good things and live through the bad.

Thats right! September 4, 2013 175.2 lbs

Thats right, you read it right! I weighed in at...175.2b lbs! I guess you can lose weight if you actually count ALL your calories. Sheesh, who knew.

Oh, and I finally off the plateau I was sleeping on.

First day of school September 3, 2013 176.2

Finally! First day of school has arrived. My son is off to school, and I am sitting here enjoying a nice quiet work free day. Ahhh! lovely. Did I mention it is raining too?

Allllrighty then! September 2, 2013 176.6 lbs

Well I flirt texted with a guy yesterday. Nearly all day, off and on. Unfortunately it became clearer as the day went on, that well he is not that into me. Yes he wants to flirt and all. But sometimes he would answer right away, sometimes an hour.

He was off, and just lazing the day away just like me. Oh well. He is a good first step out into the dating world. He talks alot about sex and I dont know much (real life stuff). I am too young to not have had more fun.

Its time I stepped out of the house. My body is not all that anymore, but its getting there.

Ah...there he is now. Gotta go flirt and see where this goes.

Te he he he! September 1, 2013 177.2 lbs

I weighed in at 177 today!!!! Yippee!

So after reading a couple of different posts from great bloggers (Diane from Fit to the Finish, and Tanvee Life as I know it). I have decided to do a restart/mini goal each month. I already kind of do that, but I am going to make it an official part of my plan.

My mini goal for last month was to get under 180 lbs so that I was not considered obese and more likely to get approved for the boob job. I may or may not be approved. That is now out of my hands. I will get the boob remake either way. Not sure how, but it will happen. I am too young to have breast that look like this.

Its funny though. I didn't want to lose too much weight before I saw the doctor, because of course my boobs would get smaller. Now that obstacle is over, let the fun begin.

My goal for this month is to reach 170 lbs, and add some exercise plan in there.